No Holding (Me) Back

Today is December 30th, 2012. The day after my 29th birthday, and the "eve" of New Years Eve. I entered 2012 unemployed, discouraged, deep in stress and distress, slightly depressed, and just outright DOWN on myself. Job interviews always seem to come SO CLOSE towards turning into job offers, and bills accumulated beyond my human scope. All of the praying and determination paid off however when I became a contractor with a company in Charlotte, and am still employed with them to this day. With employment, life, and health (albeit probably not the best), I have all the reason in the world to be thankful and grateful. It's the monicker that I live by, and is the same song and dance I've proudly pumped into people around me this year. It's become my theme this year and one I'll continue to promote.

However, in being grateful for life, I've subsequently allowed a LOT of crap to take place in my life. Particularly, when it comes to people. Granted, I have fallen way back in keeping up my communication with old friends and relatives (which I don't apologize for, since I have personal reasons for that which nobody will ever truly understand). Still, the one thing people know me to never tolerate is blatant disrespect. That includes saying/doing anything I deem as an insult OR overlooking/ignoring me at any given time. I feel it's only fair (and is just common courtesy, ESPECIALLY if you supposedly care/cared about me and my well-being anyway) that you take the time out to reach out to me on my birthday (call/text/voicemail/message/email/letter/etc.). Even if I DON'T communicate with them regularly, I've reached out those same people who I deemed close to me on their birthdays since I don't take birthdays lightly. And I expect to have the same respect shown to me when my birthday comes around each year.

I understand people lead busy, time-consuming lives (I'm one of the main living examples). But how in the HELL is it fair if I've known you for years and you not bother to once reach out to me on the day I was born while year after year I reach out to YOU to wish you well on your day of celebration???? How in the HELL is it fair that I don't receive ANY type of communication from you on my birthday yet we were once in a relationship and/or very close, and I made sure YOUR birthday was a special and memorable as possible???

This PISSES me the hell off and I'm sick and tired of acting like it doesn't (I'm going to elaborate further in a future blog about NO LONGER bottling my feelings/opinions anymore). It's NOT right and I SHOULDN'T (and won't) tolerate it at all. 

I find it grossly sad and disgusting that in this age of technology, social media, and alternate forms of communication, some people can become so self-absorbed, egotistical, and vile that they develop selective memory of all the times others have been there for them and, yet, can't even bother communicating with them to wish them well on their day of celebration. It's disappointing, but most of all, it's enraging.

It's a coincidence that I'm expressing my anger in a blog so close to the end of 2012 indeed. However, this isn't yet another platform to proclaim that I'm "doing a new me" and somehow cutting ties with these people for 2013. No resolutions or proclamations will be made here. And I won't even close this blog out with any contrived inspirational words/thoughts/poem/song. However, I WILL say that I'm going to definitely NOT be as complacent, silent, dormant, or "peace-ready" going forward as I was in 2012. I made a promise to myself back around March that I would be as appreciative towards all things since God did come through for me and in a big way. But I can (and will) no longer be tight-lipped about my feelings and opinions when it comes to my life. So consider this piece as my personal "closure entry". Many of these same people will no longer maintain communication (in ANY form) in the future as ties will be cut permanently, some that I've already dismissed. At age 29, my life really is just beginning and I haven't even yet scratched the surface in my corporate IT career. Prayers, struggles, life experiences, and of course, God's grace has allowed me to come this far and it will be wisdom and my determination that will determine my direction going forward. If it's God's will, I'm NOT holding back nor will allow anything/anybody to hold ME back. Not a believer? Stay tuned and watch the next several months unfold.

Is Home Where My Heart Is?

For the better part of seven years now, I've been apart of this lifestyle (in some shape, form, or fashion)..between profile-browsing on websites to innocent (as close to innocent) chit-chat via messenger or texts, to even occasionally meetings folks one-on-one. I've developed solid friendships with many of them, a couple that even developed into great relationships. Throughout it all, there's been one, consistent, lingering aspect that's hovered over me the entire time: My driving (sometimes, INCONVENIENT), die-hard devotion to my family. A devotion so tenacious and unyielding that has not only cause much clashes with friends of mines, but also served as the catalyst to much inner strife (even when I myself couldn't detect it). Some would rightfully say (and I'd be inclined to agree) that my attention and focus I place on my family has hindered my ability to develop ANY type of relationship with others.  To be truthfully honest, even with a couple of "failed" relationships and friendships on my list, I've never emotionally felt any type of dire, alarming, ultra-yearning NEED to find a mate/lover. Yes, I've fallen in love before,,,have cherished great times and memories with the ones I've spent them with,,,,have fantasized endlessly about "great", supportive, noble ME building a life with that special someone (which I realize NOW is a misguided conception, which I will greatly elaborate on in a future blog)............................but I've never had that burning WANT or NEED to really be in a relationship. Kind of like the fantasies some of us have of being healthier, where we resolve and declare in our minds to eat healthier for lunch and dinner and to exercise TODAY .....but end up giving in to that temptation to eat what we WANT at that time, and gettin a bit lazy...............THAT's a similar analogy here. Basically, doing what I normally do (rushing home to spend weekends with the nieces and nephews), since it feels COMFORTABLE....versus spending it with great people and/or potential lovers, in hopes of establishing/building/developing/nurturing relationships with those who aren't in my family circle.

So, why am I like this? Why do I feel so "unphased" with shutting out others not in my family circle? Could it be an underlying, psychological affect of growing up sheltered, then losing my mother at age 12, having weekly recurring dreams about our home church (where she suffered her heart attack when she passed)? Or, maybe it's not that "deep" at all, and is just a testament to how stubborn, yet, SHY that I still am (since my stubbornness is my personal mask of insecurities, imperfections, and any existing prejudices I have)? Perhaps the latter is a tiny reflection of a fault that I've seen in so many others, yet, rarely acknowledge on my on end: running away from emotional connection with those "outside" of my family (subconsciously avoiding those folks in order to save impending hurt and pain)? Could it also be tied to the still-prevalent, "hidden" insecurity I still hold about myself and my weight? Or, could it be...(wait for it)...any lingering SHRED of denial I may have about my sexuality?!?!  Could it be a HYBRID of all of these things???   Is my family (and all the "comforts" of being around them, in that imaginary bubble) REALLY where my heart lies today? Is home REALLY where my heart is?


Whatever the case is, just know this isn't some sort of revolutionary decree of me changing, but more of a reflection of where I am today and a reminder (to myself) of how I am, and what needs to change when I reach that point that I'm actually READY to change. I recognize my faults, but can make no promises. Whether or not I'll proactively address these issues and work on them to become a better, SELF-LOVING individual, and possibly become much more emotionally vested towards others outside my circle....only time will tell. I am a work in-progress of BEING in-progress, that's for sure.

Reflections and Revelations

This is my first blog post on here. Haven't done anything similar to this since the primitive days of Myspace and Yahoo! 360. Some of you know how long-winded I get with my Facebook statuses, and for those that don't, stick around. I'm not gonna follow any elaborate rules when it comes to shit that I post, as I'm truly treating this now as a journal of sorts, and pretty much anything that comes to my mind that I need to vent out will go on here (and if you dislike the style, font, content, grammar, tone etc...do yourself a favor and leave this page). Not trying to sound mean, but it is what it is and this is MY site. From various group memberships/forums and social networking site memberships... to innocent observations of stupid activity I witness on my FB list, I spend FAR too much time being tight-lipped for the sake of preserving some semblance of dignity and respect, but those days ARE numbered. So this initial post is to truly get some issues off my chest, as well the next SEVERAL blogs...all until I'M ready to make the call to lighten up my tone/content a bit. I make zero apologies for what's said, and anybody that's offended, grow the hell up and take the action(s) I post. Nine times out of ten, if you were to contact me one on one after reading these blog posts, you'll encounter a more light-hearted person since I usually DO feel better after a good rant  *smile*

*FULL RANT MODE*

I sit back whenever I have free time, and log on to sites like Facebook and Kingzplace. From group memberships that I have, to random people's "network" of "friends", I can't help but to notice the highest level of inconsiderate, pathetic, phony, miserable, rude assholes that that people hover over online.  I've noticed that many of these people DELIBERATELY  make sure their settings (for their statuses and photos/content they upload) is set to "Public" so that everybody not on their friendslist can see....which makes it OH SO EASY for a guy like me to see, whenever folks from my list choose to comment/"Like" anything they post). What truly amazes (appalls) me is that, from my own distant view, it appears that there's a "fraternal" spirit here with this stuff, where certain people are always the ones that get the rave reviews and compliments, 9 times out of 10 due to the way they look (and all, apparently, with high visibility and activity) in this "big boy community". In my 28 years being alive, I fail to understand how so many of the same people can be so eager and hungry to be the center of attention around EVERYTHING that goes on within this "big boy" network, while the folks giving them all the "love" end up sacrificing their own REAL friendships that they've established in the past with folks. In other words, it seems like so many folks are so infatuated and enthralled within this network, to the point that they forget their true friends. 

(***DISCLAIMER*** When I speak of "friends", "friendship", or "relationship" in this blog, I'm NOT speaking from a dating, sexual, or romantic context!)

They'd rather add 2000-3000 to their list (and are consumed with posting pics and sex-based statuses, subsequently, filling up their phones with HALF of those folks' numbers) than maintain a healthy friendships and relationships with folks previously in their lives (BEFORE they become Facebook, Kingzplace, Twitter stars). Sadly, those same 2000-3000 they add are doing the same things (or at least half of them). I HATE that type of egocentric crap, and is why I deleted many old friends of mines off my lists, and why I don't go out of my way to "rekindle" relationships with those who seemingly live and die for that level of approval/attention from an entire network of folks. There are people who I maintained outstanding friendships with (told everything to, vice versa), but now, they'd rather air those same (what I once deemed, PRIVATE) matters to, virtually, a network of strangers...folks who really shouldn't be called your "friend" if they haven't invested time and interest into knowing as much about you as possible. You choose to dedicate more of your time to "social networking buddies", and now have selective memory of the stuff you shared with your true friends, then you don't have a place with me.

And to be clear, I have no problem with the "big boy network" that exists. I'm all for it! I'd be lying if I didn't admit that the eye candy is FIERCE to me! However, NO community/network/fraternity/group of folks should DEFINE WHO YOU ARE.  Just because you and somebody else have 30 mutual friends in common doesn't mean you have to go out and add every last one of those motha fuckas to your damn list (hell, half of them look like clones anyway)! Damn, did I say that out loud?? 

Everybody isn't your "friend", and truly, many of them could care LESS about you. It's all a big, nauseating NUMBERS GAME for the Friendslists. A game I simply don't play. I don't mind adding folks to my list (within reason, and if you've shown SOME evidence that you're a considerate person with goals and aspirations for your life, and most of all, have a PURPOSE), but I don't have any ulterior motives behind accepting friend requests, like so many do (and no, there's no way in HELL you can wanna "get to know" 2000-3000 "big boy network" allstars). Why even give attention (i.e. "Likes" on photos, consistent comments, private messages, etc.) to people who literally EVERYBODY ELSE is giving the same response to in the first place??? Why show yourself as being that desperate? If that person looks good, then good for them, but don't continue to pump their egos, as there's little chance that they can develop REALISTIC 1-on-1 time/concern for you anyway.

Ironically, I'm not the only one that has these same grievances and observations. And in large form, this rant is applicable to EVERY type of network/community/society. The basic, underlying message here is to not forget who YOU are (as a person). You don't have to seek attention, validation, or approval by being other folks' public cheerleaders on these websites (at the expense of being your own individual), nor compromise your own beliefs/thoughts/opinions just to kiss up to somebody else.  Everybody's not a bad person, but a lot of them could care less about anybody but themselves, and yes, many of these types of folks are on MANY of our lists on various websites/networks. People like that WILL experience a rude awakening, and that's a guarantee. So don't end up trading in your life, your family, your (real, true) friendships, and your self-worth..... for mere social "approval".