For the better part of seven years now, I've been apart of this lifestyle (in some shape, form, or fashion)..between profile-browsing on websites to innocent (as close to innocent) chit-chat via messenger or texts, to even occasionally meetings folks one-on-one. I've developed solid friendships with many of them, a couple that even developed into great relationships. Throughout it all, there's been one, consistent, lingering aspect that's hovered over me the entire time: My driving (sometimes, INCONVENIENT), die-hard devotion to my family. A devotion so tenacious and unyielding that has not only cause much clashes with friends of mines, but also served as the catalyst to much inner strife (even when I myself couldn't detect it). Some would rightfully say (and I'd be inclined to agree) that my attention and focus I place on my family has hindered my ability to develop ANY type of relationship with others. To be truthfully honest, even with a couple of "failed" relationships and friendships on my list, I've never emotionally felt any type of dire, alarming, ultra-yearning NEED to find a mate/lover. Yes, I've fallen in love before,,,have cherished great times and memories with the ones I've spent them with,,,,have fantasized endlessly about "great", supportive, noble ME building a life with that special someone (which I realize NOW is a misguided conception, which I will greatly elaborate on in a future blog)............................but I've never had that burning WANT or NEED to really be in a relationship. Kind of like the fantasies some of us have of being healthier, where we resolve and declare in our minds to eat healthier for lunch and dinner and to exercise TODAY .....but end up giving in to that temptation to eat what we WANT at that time, and gettin a bit lazy...............THAT's a similar analogy here. Basically, doing what I normally do (rushing home to spend weekends with the nieces and nephews), since it feels COMFORTABLE....versus spending it with great people and/or potential lovers, in hopes of establishing/building/developing/nurturing relationships with those who aren't in my family circle.
So, why am I like this? Why do I feel so "unphased" with shutting out others not in my family circle? Could it be an underlying, psychological affect of growing up sheltered, then losing my mother at age 12, having weekly recurring dreams about our home church (where she suffered her heart attack when she passed)? Or, maybe it's not that "deep" at all, and is just a testament to how stubborn, yet, SHY that I still am (since my stubbornness is my personal mask of insecurities, imperfections, and any existing prejudices I have)? Perhaps the latter is a tiny reflection of a fault that I've seen in so many others, yet, rarely acknowledge on my on end: running away from emotional connection with those "outside" of my family (subconsciously avoiding those folks in order to save impending hurt and pain)? Could it also be tied to the still-prevalent, "hidden" insecurity I still hold about myself and my weight? Or, could it be...(wait for it)...any lingering SHRED of denial I may have about my sexuality?!?! Could it be a HYBRID of all of these things??? Is my family (and all the "comforts" of being around them, in that imaginary bubble) REALLY where my heart lies today? Is home REALLY where my heart is?
Whatever the case is, just know this isn't some sort of revolutionary decree of me changing, but more of a reflection of where I am today and a reminder (to myself) of how I am, and what needs to change when I reach that point that I'm actually READY to change. I recognize my faults, but can make no promises. Whether or not I'll proactively address these issues and work on them to become a better, SELF-LOVING individual, and possibly become much more emotionally vested towards others outside my circle....only time will tell. I am a work in-progress of BEING in-progress, that's for sure.
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